It has become apparent to me that some of the most beautiful times are also some of the most uncomfortable. I say that as I sit in what seems to be the very middle of an uncomfortable time.

I’m not sure why the Spirit moves as He does, but I’m sure glad He does. Full and uncomfortable, I am called deeper into His heart for me. The place where I feel little controle and where failure is inevitable. That seems to be the place where He brings me to over and over. Where He says that I am ok because He says so… Not because of the successes of the external variables. Where ‘ok’ does not look like accomplishment, but looks like intrinsic identify. Where, at the same time, intrinsic identity does not require a lack of accomplishment, but gives a foundation from which accomplishment can be pure.

I am uncomfortably moved by the groanings of the Spirit, which come out of me in writing. Where I can no longer sleep aside from expressing them. Where I overflow with the words He speaks to my heart about justice and about love and about cultural shortcomings. He speaks in a space where these lofty topics cannot be mastered, but can be presented to the One who knows. In a space where it becomes increasingly apparent that I cannot fix anything, nor that I am called to. What a relief! Now I can move on to actually influencing my surroundings… Because I recognize that I am only a tool, and not the Master. That the fate of the world, or even of my family, does not rest in my hands. Now I can surrender to the ultimate Prince of Shalom… The one who already has restored all of Creation, and is only calling for His creation to choose into alignment.

For some reason, these places where I listen to the grownings are also places of rest. Rest to listen. Rest to hear. Rest to be. Rest to overflow. Yet, these places do not wait for life to slow down; nor does rest. I can confidently say that I am better rested now (working full time, pursuing the things on my heart, caring for a family, and maintaining many relationships) than ever before… It’s a choosing in. Choosing rest. Choosing to be present. Choosing to listen and to pursue the movements of the grownings of the Spirit.