Hello, my name is Megan and I am a compare-aholic.

I’m actually quite experienced and, dare I say, good at comparing. I do it all the time. I’ve been doing it for years. And, impressive enough, I’ve mostly done it under the guise of “self-improvement.” But the first step is admitting the addiction, right. So here I go. The confession.

I always thought my comparing disease was never something to worry about, because, well, I wasn’t as bad as others <comparing>. So I never really dealt with it. Brené Brown calls my illness a form of numbing.

So, I guess I kept numbing. I kept numbing the fact that I don’t feel enough. The fact that I don’t think I’ll ever be enough. The fact that I am afraid I will never “arrive.” The fact that I’m not BIG enough. The fact that it bothers me that I’m the age that #dalepartridge was when he made his first $1,000,000, and my life is far less glamorous to boot <comparing>. The fact that I do simple secretary work for amazing leaders who travel and speak internationally, and who’s insta-fluence is bigger than most people could ever imagine <comparing x2>. The fact that I seem to have many of the same passions as #jonathan_merritt but I don’t have as much to show for it <comparing>. The fact that I shop at the same grocery store as #dahlfarms and #riddlelove, but my homesteading doesn’t look at expansive or romantic <comparing>.

See, I’m quite good at this comparing game. Thus, my illness has gone deeper; from a social compar-er, to a binge compar-er, to a daily comparer, to a closet compar-er. So, I’ve committed the past too many years to building and comparing myself to standards that I’ve extensively researched and concluded.

But, through some maturing and counsel from amazing friends, I’ve come to find out, I’m actually terrible at comparing. Really. I must have missed the basics when watching Sesame Street. Apples to oranges.

#realtalk:

1. The gifts and talents and passions that I hold, are vastly different than those of #dalepartridge.
2. What impresses me most about #dalepartridge is actually not glamor… it’s the fact that he posts pictures of his family more than he posts pictures of himself with Fortune 500 CEOs (actually, I don’t think he has ever posted pictures of himself looking BIGGER than life?).
3. #johnathan_merritt, #dahlfarms, and #riddlelove are all actually about 10 years older than me.
4. #johnathan_merrit isn’t a mother of two. Or even married, for that matter (which, by the way, I thank God that I am married and with children, because otherwise I’d seriously be miles behind on this journey of identity).
5. I’m in a completely different season of life, filling completely different roles than #dahlfarms and #riddlelove.

BUT, that’s not where this stops. Yes, I’ve admitted that I’m a compare-aholic. I’ve also admitted that I’m truly terrible at comparing. But all of this is still comparing. <sigh>

#realtalk

Comparing never actually got me very far.

In truth, there is no way around the fears that I am “numbing”. That’s because, I will never be BIG enough and never ARRIVE. So maybe there is no point in trying to attain the unattainable through sabotaging methods.

I want to live a BIG life where I am, now. I guess if I can’t do that, then how can I possibly be BIG enough when my homestead is rock’n and my instafluence is amazing and I’m running with world changers (not just booking their flights)? How can I live all of these things I respect in #dalepartridge, #johnathan_merrit, #riddlelove, #dahlfarms and the people I work with when I am not willing to choose into those hard things that they choose into every day. The harder things. Like loving family with abandon, and being present with the community where they have influence, and choosing the beauty in the simple things over the glamour of the BIGGER things. Like being who they were created to be, not someone else.

The world is waiting for me to come alive with the things that move my heart, not with the things that I think will promote me to the BIGGER.

I now realize that choosing those harder, simpler things things is the BIGGER. So here I go. Let’s give this a shot.